a slew of excitement.

sometimes, i will go weeks witnessing nothing noteworthy or interesting at all in espresso. this brings me much disappointment. i cannot describe the extreme sense of giddiness i experience upon finding myself in an awkward situation that i know will eventually delight the ears of those who are graced with my retelling of said situation. while i was deprived of this for a spell, fear not! america's idiots came out of the woodworks this week to torture (and entertain) me.

take the weirdo guy this morning who hammered on the store front at 6:15 am (well before open, might i add). he repeatedly gave me the thumbs up while smiling and nodding. i just shook my head. "NO we are not open, you moron," i thought. however, it turns out he was not interested in coffee. just pointing at me, thumbs upping, and smiling. he then mimed the international symbol for "glasses" (as seen here by michael jackson). i can only infer he was commenting in some way on my glasses. wtf.

then take the creepy tan old guy that came in yesterday wearing a gold guido chain and ordered a small double breve cappuccino. on the dry side. (first of all, BARF). well, he came in again today and ordered the same disgusting concoction.
"hey, weren't you here yesterday?"
YEAH, it's my JOB to be here.
"oh, well didn't you have a ring in yesterday?" (points to his nose).
YEAH I STILL DO.
"no not there." (points to nostril). "here." (points to septum).
THAT'S NOT ME.
"oh."
now, it's not that i don't want to look like mealia by any means. i think she is quite the pretty lady. it's just that we do NOT look alike. and that i remember serving him his barfy cream drink.

then there was the crazy old lady who came in chatting up anyone and anything that would listen. this includes (but is not limited to) every barista, customer, and bag of coffee within a five foot radius. now, she was a very nice lady, just somewhat unintelligible and needy. i wanted to feel sorry for her, and think she was an old decrepit woman. but then she said she was 60 years old. that is not old. my dad is 60 years old and just ran a triathalon. where did all her mental faculties go? maybe they were damaged by the sassafras tea she kept talking about. she kept telling me it was illegal in michigan, so she had to have it imported from another state. i thought she was crazy, til i did some research. turns out not only does sassafras cause cancer and liver damage, it also contains key components found in mdma (aka : ECSTACY).

and my personal favorite. i have no commentary for this awful interaction. there is nothing to say other than "JESUSFUCKINGCHRIST PEOPLE ARE SOOOOO FUCKING DUMB." here's the set up. ptr and i are working counter with a small but consistent line. in marches stupid crazy lady at a fast clip. she looks very normal and professional (note: these are always the WORST crazy people. they lull you into a false sense of security with their mainstream appearance). she makes a beeline for the bathroom. upon finding the door locked, she heads straight to the men's bathroom. now it gets interesting. finding this door UNlocked, she throws it open and begins to barge in. (thankfully no men were caught in the cross hairs and embarrassed during this).
ptr (from the register): "MA'AM. that is the MEN'S bathroom.
stupid crazy lady: I KNOW. I AM GOING TO USE IT.
ptr: i can give you the key to the women's bathroom.
s.c.l.: WHY CAN'T I USE THIS ONE?
DIALOGUE BREAK:: at this point i line was forming and a crowd of spectators stared in amazement at the scene before them. seizing ptr's hesitation to respond as permission to use the bathroom, the woman enters, does her business, and emerges. she approaches the register, bypassing the line, and disregarding normal, paying customers. she was also speaking an INTOLERABLE decibel.
s.c.l.: JUST SO YOU KNOW, I AM NOT BUYING ANYTHING.
ptr: can i get a drink for the next person in line.
s.c.l.: AND THAT IS A PUBLIC BATHROOM. I CAN USE I.
ptr: no, it's not. there is a sign on the door that says FOR CUSTOMERS ONLY.
s.c.l.: NO THAT IS A PUBLIC BATHROOM.
ptr: okayyyyy......
s.c.l.:JUST SO YOU KNOW, I WAS THE FIRST EMPLOYEE TO EVER BE HIRED AT THIS STORE'S LOCATION.
ptr: okayyyy.....
s.c.l.: DOES CURTIS STILL OWN IT?
ptr: no....but MARCUS does... like he ALWAYS has.
s.c.l.: THAT'S WHO I MEANT.

exit stupid crazy lady at the same rapid pace.
baristas and customers stupefied.