why are people SOOO stupid!?

(plz go to 0:24seconds).

a few days ago, a girl from a fellow state street service industry came into espresso. she appeared very confused. she said her boss wanted her to get him coffee. here. she seemed confounded by this possibility. after directing her down to the coffee fill up station, she successfully filled up a cup of coffee. a small success for us, a large victory for her. sadly, she then ran into another snafu. she could not seem to locate the cream, which was positioned about 6 inches to the right of her elbow. she began to shout aloud, to no one in particular, "where do y'all keep the creeeem?" i happened to be stocking some napkins right next to her, and pointed at the array of condiments she was standing DIRECTLY in front of. she then picked up BOTH sugar shakers looked back and forth between them several times, and muttered, "which one of these--this don't look like creeeam...." at this point perhaps she realized i had been staring at her, mouth agape, for several minutes. because she turned to look at me, and in doing so noticed the large stainless steel quart pitcher of cream to her IMMEDIATE right. if it had been a snake, it would have bitten her.

another point of contention. it is very hard for customers to grasp that while we KNOW that the water coming out of the tap/"drinking fountain" is "hot" (read:lukewarm), we are not doing anything about it. i have started to spout off this lie whenever i run into troubles, "unfortunately, the water line to that spout runs right next to one of the heating ducts, so during the winter, when the heat is on, there is really nothing we can do about the temperature of the water." whether or not this has any validity to it, i think it is a damn good excuse, and one that shuts customers up pretty quickly. there are other times (perhaps when i am feeling a bit feisty) that i forgo this carefully spun lie and just opt to go into battle. like yesterday. when this girl got a cookie. that cost $1.70. and then asked for a cup of hot water. and then asked for a cup of cold water. now i really don't mind when people want cold water. i myself thoroughly enjoy drinking copious amounts of ice cold tap water. but hot water? that is just cheap. i know you brought your own tea bag to stick in there. so i already don't like you, lady. so when i handed you a cup of ice and told you there was a spout on the other side of the wall, i already did not like you. sorry. that's why when you said "but that water comes out hot," i said, "THAT'S WHY I GAVE YOU ICE." you then worried, "so there's nothing...wrong with it???" NO i said. NO THERE IS NOT. (then, i should have inserted my elaborate lie here).

additionally, to the guy who repeatedly has been asking me for "BIG BAG. REAL BIG BAG OF TEA. one whole scoop each tea." i know you speak better english than that. i have heard you. so stop acting crazy and mumbling to yourself and speaking in broken phonemes. i know you want a huge ass bag of tea. but if you want THREE huge ass bags of tea, i am going to need you to speak more clearly. also, i am charging you a good dollar or two extra each time. that is too much tea for one drink. you are drinking syrup and that is gross.

size DOES matter.

WHAT ARE YOU TALL??? small? medium? large? small? medium? large? oh that's right. you are not a SIZE. no no, tall, you are a HEIGHT. a height that means a different size at EVERY COFFEE SHOP IN TOWN.

here's a quick guide:
at beaner's, a tall is a medium.
at starbuck's, a tall is a small. starbucks also is ruining my life with something called a "cafe misto" that sorority girls have been ordering. aka put some steamed milk in my coffee so it stays super hot and i can't drink it for hours because hey i am not really going to drink it anyways, i just got coffee to look cool. but i digress.
at espresso royale, tall is NOTHING. it is not a size. neither is regular. because that is not a size either. it is a relative approximation. so stop asking for it. and when i ask you "small, medium, or large?" stop repeating TALL. because i am STILL not going to know what you want.

here's another tip for ordering drinks from me. even though latte simply means MILK, our lattes (in fact most american lattes) are made of steamed milk AND espresso. you cannot order a "medium latte without the espresso." that is just a glass of hot milk. which is disgusting.

additionally, while crazy red haired diag pizza lady does add a little spice to my life...i could do with out seeing her twice every day. today, she was kind enough to tip me. not the WHOLE 88cents of her change. no that sneaky wench kept the quarters, which we should all know by now, ARE GOLD TO ME. nope, she popped 13 cents in the tip jar and said "there's a little something for you. you know, it all adds up." yes. that is truth. but apparently my smile was not gracious enough for her. because she continued to repeat "I SAID it all adds up, you know?" at least two more times. yes, crazy lady. i DO know.

diag pizza delivery lady

...should not be allowed to drink caffeine, let alone operate heavy machinery.

here's a little situation that occurred today with crazy red haired diag pizza delivery lady. i was stocking some teas down by the coffee bar when i saw her walk in the store and bypass the line. i made the mistake of making eye contact with her. once she locked onto me, i knew i was done for. she was carrying an empty, lipstick smeared erc cup. she said "who's in charge here??" amelia immediately threw me under the bus. (which i understand, i bet she knew it would be great and that i would blog about it). i said "can i help you with something?" she said "uh yes some service!" and then started maniacally laughing. she then launched into a very long explanation of how she purchased a coffee this morning, as she always does, and had to contend with something new today. GROUNDS. there were GROUNDS in her coffee cup. she brought the stale remnants back as evidence. she DID drink the coffee, she is NOT lying to me. but she did not enjoy it as much as she wanted to. now she mixed the french vanilla and the royale blend coffee (she hopes that is okay). i told her yup, that sure was fine. and that sometimes the bottom of a pot might have some grounds in them. she said, "WELL THE CUSTOMER CANNOT SEE THAT. WE DO NOT KNOW IF IT IS THE BOTTOM OF THE POT OR NOT." i said that i was sorry. perhaps it was busy this morning and we were not careful enough brewing the coffee. she said "sometimes that happens if you don't line the filter up properly." yes, yes this can happen i said. then came the real meat of why she came back to complain. "you know it was just the first time i had to contend with this. and it was awful. i had to pick them out of my teeth. you know they get stuck in there. and look like cavities. so i was just wondering if i could fill up a little bit. just half a cup. just half a cup to replace the coffee that was ruined." FINE i told her. that was just fine. anything to end the most awkward conversation of the day. i even offered to rinse out her nasty cup (i would have immediately thereafter washed my hands). she told me she would prefer to do it herself in he bathroom. she did so and then filled up HALF a cup. just HALF a cup. which she proceeded to show me three times. great, lady, you may be honest, but yous still cuh-ray-zee. get out of my life.

i'm a detective.

or a private investigator. (unlicensed of course).

anybody remember ray? the homeless guy who utilised the patio on several occasions as his own personal bar? drinking sweet vermouth? and vodka? and wine? always straight out of the bottle. maybe you remember him as donald? or cheeto? or the guy who smoked in the bathroom? and even after all these offenses AND several arrests on our property, he kept coming back? because he did not remember any of the previous times? sound familiar? ANYWAYS. i was just browsing MIPSOR the other day (as andy taught me i should do regularly to see if there are any new offenders who are ALSO regulars). and guess who i saw??? good ol' donald raymond paliza! turns out he is a NON-COMPLIANT sexual offender (as well as a general offender to society). attempted criminal sexual conduct-3rd degree (force or coercion). that's a bad one.

still haven't seen richard in a while... i am starting to get nervous again. looks like i will have to dig a little deeper. although after having searched the obits thoroughly, i feel confident that he is not deceased; rather, i think the inclement weather is taking a toll on his social life. le sigh. mine too. anyways, should richard not reappear by the end of this week...i am going to have sweet b call up avalon housing to check on him. maybe check on meth lady too (see top left picture in link above). should probably figure out her name first though...

on a separate note... I LOVE LISA FROM REPUBLIC PARKING GARAGE ON MAYNARD. she is the nicest older lady still working a service industry job that i have ever met. she always calls me dear or sweetie. and tells me to have a good day. and i think she means it. it is like she knows that i wake up at the ass crack of dawn to serve coffee and she feels for me. she has a special spot in her heart for fellow service industry workers. the downtrodden. the forgotten. she is like a doting aunt. who probably has a pack a day habit based on that voice and the pucker wrinkles, but hey, what woman who spent her life serving other people wouldn't?? keep it up lisa, and i'll keep coming to your exit line. come to think of it, why don't you put a tip jar out there...i'll treat you right.

and finally, a wafflehouse update. i miss her fur. i don't think she does anymore. she may have finally gotten used to those bare patches and the strange stubble... but i have not. seeing pictures of her fully furred makes my heart weep for her (our) loss. but, fear not, i have a plan. i am slowly introducing her to new food. that contains NONE of the ingredients her old food (that was previously the ONLY THING ON THIS PLANET THAT SHE WOULD EAT) did. so HOPEFULLY this food will not cause allergies, which will then not entice her to chew her own skin, which will then allow me to stop giving her steroid shots, which will THEN stop stunting her fur growth cycles. it shall be a long journey, but she shan't travel it alone.

"you were supposed to have that ready for me when i got out of the bathroom"

...YEAH? well you are supposed to PAY ME. then, maybe i'll make your drink. if i feel like it. however, i will not make whatever you mumble to me as you pass by the espresso machine while i am helping another PAYING customer.

"so espresso royale only hires red heads now?" in case you haven't noticed, NONE of us are natural red heads. and there are probably a good 3/4 of the baristas who do not, and never have had red hair. congratulations, you just creeped me out.

"you know...i almost just stole my coffee refill. it would be sooo easy... just to take a cup of coffee and walk away." yeah, i know it would be. but i don't really care. it really couldn't affect me less. all i care about is whether you are going to tip me any one of those three quarters i just gave you. if not, get off your moral high horse and move on.

"no wraps today? what did the wrap maker DIE?" geez sweaterman. for someone who peddles the word of god, that was a pretty insensitive comment. what if the wrap maker DID die. i bet you'd feel pretty bad then. i should have told you YES, yes the wrap maker is now r.i.p. that would have taught him to hold his tongue.

i'll take one of these...

the cat. not the watermelon.



GET IT AWAY FROM THOSE DOGS. THEY ARE STEALING ITS WATERMELON. come to me little kitty...i will rescue you.

some not so exciting updates and facts

don't laugh at me. these events and observations were the highlights of my past week.


* sweaterman has a kindle. BAH HAHA! i bet he reads the bible. over and over and over.

* richard really likes to eat chicken. ham and chicken. better be careful he doesn't eat too much of either...he's likely to turn into one...

* the lady who delivers pizzas for diag is horrifying. she loves our caramel cashew biscotti, but hates our chipped dishes.

* you cannot order a ginger dragon with milk in it. that is not a thing, and it will curdle. and it is gross. and YES that includes soy milk.

* thanks to barry (double cup two roulettes to the old school folks) for this link. SO CUTE!!

* it seems the ann arbor community is really rallying behind smiley (anthony). i have had several regulars ask me whether or not he was okay, or "what his deal" was. while this may have been because they feared for their own safety, i would like to think it is because they are concerned with his well being.

* i overheard this conversation between two homeless men today.
homeless man 1 (hm1): spare some change?
homeless man 2 (hm2): no man.
hm1: i am just trying to get some food.
hm2: man, i had to collect returnables today, just to get myself a beer!!
hm1: MAN I DO NOT DRINK. I TOLD YOU I DO NOT DRINK. I JUST WANT SOME FOOD.