"hey shortie"

ONE. i do not like it when normal, respectable men with jobs call me shortie. TWO. i do not like it even more when homeless men try to charm me using shortie. THREE. congratulations i am not giving you bills for your grubby change anymore. FOUR. i don't care if you think i am mean/racist/rude/disrespectful/short.

sorry tony (aka t-bone aka guy with watery eyes aka guy who sleeps/bleeds from the face in erc). sometimes you try and get me to cash your change in. sometimes you get people in line to buy you a coffee. how was i supposed to know that you were actually going to buy an honest cup of coffee? i mean, there are better ways for a homeless man to spend his $1.59. oh, maybe you aren't hungry because you ate that nice fruit leather i gave you yesterday? oh, wait, what's that? YOU DIDN'T EAT THAT FRUIT LEATHER. YOU REJECTED IT BECAUSE YOU WOULD RATHER COLLECT MONEY FOR DRINKS (coffee or otherwise, i assume).

maybe if you got off your phone i wouldn't have to ask you the same question three times and finally give up after receiving no response. likewise, perhaps you would not have to ask me to repeat the price of your parfait FOUR FUCKING TIMES. i don't know what you are not understanding, I SAID THREE NINETY EIGHT.

hey buddy with the decaf latte drink, stop trying to pay us with your "fake"
credit card. i know it is going to get declined EVERY TIME I SWIPE IT. because it is not real. or not YOURS (i.e. stolen). you think we are going to start making your drink and then when we find out it is declined we are just going to give you the drink for free since we already made it? WELL, WE'RE NOT. we see you coming declined credit card man and we DO NOT start making your drink. because we know you will not buy anything in any sort of legitimate fashion.

smiley (aka anthony), you are learning. i no longer have to argue with you about your banishment from the cafe. all i have to do is shake my head when you try to walk in the door, and you turn and leave. congratulations, this is improvement. keep up the good work.

it's aaaalllliiiiiive!

and by it, i mean MY FAVORITE REGULAR. richard. (sorry richard). i could not be happier to announce that richard lives. and while there was some speculation that perhaps he was working on his physique, this does NOT seem to be the case. sadly, richard still smells as awful as ever and appears to still be wearing the same sweat suit uniform he always did. which led me to mournfully decline the hug he proffered me. it pained me tell richard he should NOT hug me. but i simply could not fathom working an entire SIX HOURS smelling like the indescribable eau de richard.

new information obtained: richard likes forrest gump. richard dislikes borat.

in other news, NO, diag girl who somehow obtained a job at labyrinth, NO, i will not give you change "for the store." regardless of whether or not i can spare a measley 20 ones (i CAN), i will never ever give them to you. you use waaaaayyyyy too many of our condiments for that to be okay. you do not need to add cinnamon, choco powder, honey (barf), and splenda to your hot chocolate before you ask me to put as much whip cream on as possible.

also, dear hipster kid, it is NOT okay for you to buy a drink at another cafe and then come into my store and add milk, honey, sugar, and various powders. your friend's purchase of a drink from erc STILL does not make this okay. especially since it occurred only after i penetrated your soul with my death stares. and stop pretending like this is all news to you. i know various crew members have told you this is UNACCEPTABLE. so stop coming in, i hate you.

finally, for my opinion on parents' weekend: FUCK OFF. i do not want to make you your pretentious cappuccinos and decaf drinks. you do not tip me. you wipe out my pastry case. and you do not bus your own table. also, to the man who i kept asking, "is that all?" and who kept answering, "if everyone has ordered." I DO NOT KNOW WHICH PEOPLE ARE WITH YOU. THERE IS A LINE OUT THE DOOR. I DO NOT KNOW WHO "EVERYONE" MEANS. WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO CHARGE THE ENTIRE LINE ON YOUR CREDIT CARD?? BECAUSE I CAN. the only thing that made this day bearable was sweet b's idea to play "no shot left behind." that and $7 worth of hummus.

newsflash

this just in.

got this asshole banned from espresso.
carl theodore tessen.

he is literally the worst person i can think of. yes, worse than at&t mike. because he has an actual criminal record. a really, really long one. his least concerning offense being breaking and entering. no, i am more concerned with his "discharging a firearm towards a building" and "malicious damage of personal property." oh, and that last crime? yeah, that took place IN prison. and the fact that he threw a cup at sweet b's face. and that the nice police officer (brett hansen) told me that he has had to use "lethals," like his TASER, on carl multiple times. if i had an ounce of compassion in me for the guy, i might feel bad for him and wonder if multiple taserings have lasting effects. but, i feel nothing but sheer and utter loathing for the "man." i have begun to wonder on a daily basis WHY DID THEY LET THIS MAN LEAVE PRISON? the world may never know.... my only hope is that he dares to set foot in erc again so that we can have the cops come and arrest him for trespassing. now THAT would make my day.

you know what wouldn't make my day? a little something the people of ann arbor were incorrectly calling "st. practice day" thinking they were clever as hell. treating the saturday before st. patrick's day as a football saturday, the great fratty assholes of ann arbor bombarded my senses with drunken breath, hoots, and hollers for an epic 12 hour shift on saturday, citing "st. practice day" as some sort of excuse. well let me tell you, i did some research and the REAL st. practice day already happened. in february. and i had known, i would have certainly participated. contests are a worthy cause. using a catholic holiday as an excuse to get shitfaced and be slutty in public is not. i know it seems like something i would approve of... but not when i am reaping all the negative benefits behind the erc counter.

twilight, health inspector, new moon, and the new bane of my existence.

i'm not going to lie. i really like twilight. sure, the writing is about 10 reading levels below the last think i started to read (see: ulysses). and in the movies the acting is shit. but i like it. i have always wished vampires were real. AND NOW THEY ARE. it is now my goal to finish the twilight saga by this next weekend. sorry if seem absent (both in body and mind) this is just something i need to do. additionally, if someone, anyone, were to buy me THIS:



I WOULD LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER AND NEVER LEAVE YOU (UNLESS EDWARD WANTED TO LOVE ME LIKE HE LOVES BELLA).

charles, ann arbor's own health inspector, paid us a visit on thursday. it was just great. five minutes after the boss man leaves, charles is in charge. i wanted to respect him as a pillar of society, but i just could not take him seriously. not with his flat brimmed "baseball" hat, his fanny pack, his cheezer-stache, his flashlight, and pocket thermometer. and ESPECIALLY not when i caught him in the back on his cell phone saying "HEYYYY guuuurrrllll WHAT'S UUUUP GIIIRLLLL." uhhhhhh.....
anyways, aside from the fact that i was hacking up snot all over the place, and was NEVER told what the 5 most common air borne illnesses are, i think we did pretty good. you know, telling him all sorts of lies about how religiously we follow health code.
also, whoever labeled the melons "2/30" please fess up. i mean i did not realize that february 30 did not exist either. but charles would not stop GRILLING me about what was wrong with the date on the melons. I DON'T KNOW CHARLES I DIDN'T CUT IT AND YOU ARE MAKING ME SO NERVOUS THAT I CANNOT BEGIN TO THINK ABOUT HOW MANY DAYS ARE IN EACH MONTH AND NOW I AM GETTING FRUSTRATED AND AM BEING A BITCH TO YOU.

i have a new leeeeeast favorite customer. he has green hands usually. a gross gross goatee. a beanie. a leather coat (animal hater). and a pony tail. a long long pony tail that has rubberbands all the way down. you may remember him as the guy who told me he "needed to find something to smoke" or was going to "call up an ex-girlfriend. jump in bed with her. relieve some tension." he then later complained about the music being too loud (it was not. it was something nondescript and QUIET. it was probably bon iver for chrissake) and complained a second time after we did not turn it down. (all in the span of about FIVE minutes). he also likes to swear at me under his breath and try and make "deals" with me. for some reason he thinks that exact change is the only acceptable form of payment and always has to double check with me before hand if he pays in $2.25 for a $2.12 coffee. he also has told me menacingly, "yeah.... i'll be back. you'll be seeing more of me..." anyways, today he told me i was "a lot nicer than usual." i ignored him. i don't want him thinking i am his new girlfriend or anything.

seattle = ann arbor

i know i am in seattle. i know i have been here for the past two days. but around every corner there are homeless people tricking me. tricking me into thinking i am in ann arbor. you see, every homeless person here has an ann arbor counter part.
-the diag rats have become the 5th and pine kids: these kids look the same, smell the same, have the same dog, heckle the same, dress the same, have the same single weird old guy who hangs around them, and have the same narrow narrow turf as the diag rats. they probably even have a name as apropos. but since i am not a native, i am not savvy to the lingo. oh, but the seattle kids have better dreads.
-also saw smiley/anthony here the other day. he was standing around loitering, scorning all the people with jobs who walked past him. then in the same erratic fashion, he began to yell at a passerby. "YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL LIKE YOU THINK YOU ARE!" he shouted to a young business man (or perhaps to no one).
-today, i saw t. casey brennan's twin at pike's place market. his seattle doppleganger had the same hunched posture and frail physique. however, t. casey seattle had a muuuuch more epic dread beard than t. casey ann arbor. seattle had a single beard dread the width of my forearm. and it basically touched the ground. to be fair, i bet t. casey seattle did not kill kennedy. that title still belongs solely to t. casey ann arbor.
-also saw several tommie cottons and meth ladies, but none of particular note.

le sigh.

life has been pretty ho hum. wake up after too little sleep, rush out the door to work, hop in my car (i have to drive since i am perpetually waking up too late), serve some lattes (maybe a cappuccino or two), come home, play with wafflehouse, make some food, watch some criminal minds, repeat.
while monotonous, life as of late has not been without its moments of interest, excitement, awkwardness, and anger. some examples:
-i have obtained a new/another job packaging online orders of beads. this both excites and worries me. mo' money = mo' problems.
-last week, my boss told me i "stunk like the bar." this week he told me i "reeked of perfume." i guess there is no pleasing him.
-RICHARD LIVES. but still remains MIA.
-why is it that none of the ann arbor miscreants who are banned from erc via trespassing notices have otis records??? this is highly disturbing to me.
-i saw sam beam at the folk festival on friday. he is an angel.
-the old drunk people who were also at the festival are not angels. nor were they on saturday when i had to make them mochas and hot chocolates. here's a tip for them: when a drink is called out, listen. if the barista does not repeat the SAME DRINK you ordered.... DO NOT TAKE THE DRINK. IT IS NOT YOURS. stop arbitrarily picking up drinks from the counter. those people standing around you? they are not just milling about. they are waiting for their drink too. which you just took.
-plz stop ordering smoothies. it is cold out. go eat soup instead.

why are people SOOO stupid!?

(plz go to 0:24seconds).

a few days ago, a girl from a fellow state street service industry came into espresso. she appeared very confused. she said her boss wanted her to get him coffee. here. she seemed confounded by this possibility. after directing her down to the coffee fill up station, she successfully filled up a cup of coffee. a small success for us, a large victory for her. sadly, she then ran into another snafu. she could not seem to locate the cream, which was positioned about 6 inches to the right of her elbow. she began to shout aloud, to no one in particular, "where do y'all keep the creeeem?" i happened to be stocking some napkins right next to her, and pointed at the array of condiments she was standing DIRECTLY in front of. she then picked up BOTH sugar shakers looked back and forth between them several times, and muttered, "which one of these--this don't look like creeeam...." at this point perhaps she realized i had been staring at her, mouth agape, for several minutes. because she turned to look at me, and in doing so noticed the large stainless steel quart pitcher of cream to her IMMEDIATE right. if it had been a snake, it would have bitten her.

another point of contention. it is very hard for customers to grasp that while we KNOW that the water coming out of the tap/"drinking fountain" is "hot" (read:lukewarm), we are not doing anything about it. i have started to spout off this lie whenever i run into troubles, "unfortunately, the water line to that spout runs right next to one of the heating ducts, so during the winter, when the heat is on, there is really nothing we can do about the temperature of the water." whether or not this has any validity to it, i think it is a damn good excuse, and one that shuts customers up pretty quickly. there are other times (perhaps when i am feeling a bit feisty) that i forgo this carefully spun lie and just opt to go into battle. like yesterday. when this girl got a cookie. that cost $1.70. and then asked for a cup of hot water. and then asked for a cup of cold water. now i really don't mind when people want cold water. i myself thoroughly enjoy drinking copious amounts of ice cold tap water. but hot water? that is just cheap. i know you brought your own tea bag to stick in there. so i already don't like you, lady. so when i handed you a cup of ice and told you there was a spout on the other side of the wall, i already did not like you. sorry. that's why when you said "but that water comes out hot," i said, "THAT'S WHY I GAVE YOU ICE." you then worried, "so there's nothing...wrong with it???" NO i said. NO THERE IS NOT. (then, i should have inserted my elaborate lie here).

additionally, to the guy who repeatedly has been asking me for "BIG BAG. REAL BIG BAG OF TEA. one whole scoop each tea." i know you speak better english than that. i have heard you. so stop acting crazy and mumbling to yourself and speaking in broken phonemes. i know you want a huge ass bag of tea. but if you want THREE huge ass bags of tea, i am going to need you to speak more clearly. also, i am charging you a good dollar or two extra each time. that is too much tea for one drink. you are drinking syrup and that is gross.