oh the outfits you'll see...

in my past few trips to the gym, i have honestly felt like i was at a walmart. the outfits were just horrendous and quite distracting from my overall fitness routine. the outfits basically fit into three categories:

1. wearing clothes that are not specialized for exercise

i have seen quite the spectrum of people wearing a variety of different bottoms... jeans, corduroys, khakis, khaki cargo pants... folks, none of these pants are breathable or loose enough to really accommodate working out. you will be uncomfortable. you will smell. you will be stared at. frankly, while i do not condone wearing pajamas in public, i would prefer that you wear some nice flannel pants.

2. sort of appropriate work out clothes that are worn inappropriately

 

the most egregious case of this is the woman working out wearing a tank top sans bra. even worse, is the OLD woman working out braless. i have seen far too many cases of this. i like letting my freak flag fly as much as the next person, but i think we are past the whole bra burning mentality of the 60's. similarly, i have seen many women wear tank tops with "shelf bras" as sports bras. let me stress, these do NOT offer the necessary support.

another example of this is shorts. worn far too short. i understand that they might look okay to you in the mirror, as you stand still looking at yourself. but when you start running...those shorts start doing things. called creeping up your ass. i am really tired of seeing this sort of effect everywhere i look. i can only avert my eyes in so many directions. 

 

3. fitness outfits that cost more than my last paycheck. these are also generally too sexy for day time use.

 

 

i like fashion as much as the next person. but not when i am working out and sweating my ass off. if you are wearing $100 jumpsuits/tracksuits/sweatsuits to work out in... EXERCISE MORE, PICK UP DUDES/CHICKS AT THE GYM LESS. that is what bars are for. also, just stop showing me belly flesh. wear a shirt ladies, not just the sports bra. (though i do commend you for remembering that bras are a necessary article of clothing).

 

and while this was not an outfit seen at the gym, it is probably the best one i have ever had the pleasure of documenting first hand. meet rudy. the most fashionable old woman to ever grace jewel-osco.

please note the purple glitter visor. the nice tan legs. the baubles on her fingers. she was eating coleslaw. i liked her.

HEY CTA. DO BETTER.

tonight, it took me approximately AN HOUR to get down to wicker park. and another HOUR to get back. f.y.i. this trip should take about 25 minutes. also, it was FOURTEEN DEGREES OUT. upon my return home, i discovered that i could not feel or move my toes. turns out i had FROSTNIP. yup, that's a real thing.

 

i wonder if i can sue them. 

SPACE IS COOL

what happens when you mix alcohol, galaxies, and old people?

you get my thursday night, when i went to the adler planetarium for an evening full of outer-space-related movies, outer-space-related exhibits, outer-space-related jupiter gazing, outer-space-related boozing, and more outer-space-related space junk (aka adler after dark). i think people took the "Great for groups and makes for a very original first date, Adler After Dark has something for everyone!" part a little too seriously. because i witnessed a handful of what were definitely awkward first dates, and even more double/triple/group dates, and yes, even a few polygamist clusters. but hey, it was still really fun. because let's face it. SPACE IS COOL.

but you know what's not cool?  a lot drunk people going ga-ga over stars, galaxies, and the universe while they sit thru lectures and projections of the night sky. okay, actually that part was pretty funny too. the live commentator of the films said gems such as "we are going to pulllll out from earth here... and just cruise on over to the trojan asteroid belt." [i kid you not. this was an actual phrase uttered]. needless to say, this was met with uproarious laughter from the crowd. i am not actually sure if the poor scientist commentator knew why everyone was laughing... he did work several star wars references into his narration, so i am not sure exactly how familiar he is with the aforementioned topics...no offense.

diag pizza delivery lady is haunting me.

even though i emigrated from little old ann arbor, diag pizza delivery lady torments me. now via viral videos.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIoG4PlEPtY

i am not sure whether or not the "backin up lady" is ACTUALLY diag pizza delivery lady (the hair, voice, and makeup bear a STRIKING resemblance). but she is a reasonable facsimile. and definitely brings back some memories. 

"if you see something, say something"

-ChicagoTransitAuthority motto.

in the span of about 48 hours, i saw (and heard) many many things on CTA vehicles that i probably should have said something about. i didn't. but now i will.

this will help illustrate.

wednesday. 8:48 am. northbound redline train.
a middle aged man chugs two cans of busch light in astonishing succession. he placed his empties on the floor. litterbug. he had a red duffel bag containing the rest of his 6-pack. he next pulled out a WAD of bills. and counted them. and said "where did i GET all this money?!?!"

thursday. 11:02 am. loyola redline southbound platform.
before even boarding the train, i heard a man(lady?) screaming "SHE PUT HER HANDS ON ME AND SHE TOUCH ME! SHE LAY HANDS ON ME! YOU CAN'T DOOO THAT TO PEOPLE!!" a short verbal argument ensued, the details of which i am not privy to :(

thursday 11:09 am. southbound redline train. between bryn mawr and berwyn.
a gentleman begins quietly talking on his cell phone. he slowly gets louder. and louder. it becomes clear he is highly agitated. he starts throwing around f-bombs all willy nilly. "YO. I TOLD YOU. I WILL BE THERE IN LIKE 3 MINUTES. TELL THAT BITCH TO HOLD TIGHT. IMA GONNA BE THERE. IM GONNA BE THERE IN LIKE 2 MINUTES. IM LIKE TWO STOPS AWAY FROM WILSON. WE JUST WE JUST PASSED ADDISON. SHERIDAN IS NEXT. IMA BE THERE IN LIKE ONE SECOND. TELL THAT BITCH TO WAIT IN THE CAR. PUT HER ON THE PHONE."
as a side note. this was not even remotely true. were on the complete opposite side of wilson moving in the opposite direction. at first i assumed he was confused. i later realized he was either lying his ass off, or was so fucked up he actually believed we were at a completely different station. additional side note: wilson is the scariest stop on the subway. period. i almost lived off of that stop. i almost died off of that stop. he continued on for quite a while. "PUT HER ON THE PHONE. WAIT IN THE CAR. ITZ COLD. PUT THAT BITCH ON THE PHONE. MAN SHE IS CRAYZAY. SHE IS WHACK. IMA GONNA POP THAT BITCH UPSIDE THE FACE WHEN I SEE HER." that was when i should have said something. as another side note, this guy was wandering around the crowded train trying to find a corner to whisper into his phone. he seemed to forget that whispering entailed lowering one's voice. also, at one point he fell onto an innocent bystander as the train rounded a bend. i know this because he then shouted into his phone "OH SHIT YO. I JUST FELL ON SOME FUCKING DUDE. HAHA." the fucking dude did not seem to think it was quite so funny. neither did i.

thursday 11:09 am. southbound redline train. between bryn mawr and berwyn.
that's right. this was occurring simultaneously. two fellas conduct a very loud conversation assessing the pros and cons of various jails around the greater cook county area. specifically sheridan federal correctional institution.
 i learned that most of them have terrible food options. sometimes, gentleman one would just sell his tray. and not nearly large enough portions. "you gotta double tray it," gentleman two commiserates. also, you have to pay $1.00 for fried chicken. to circumvent this, guy one's momma would bring him chicken all the time. she didn't like the junk they fed her son. if you ask me, it looks like a pretty well-thought out, balanced diet. they were also quite opinionated about their "cellies." guy one couldn't have any of "those homosexuals" in his cell. because of his religion. if they tried to stick him with one of "those homosexuals," he could sue them. it was against his religion. he couldn't be with members of the arayan nation either. even if they rescinded their allegiance. his religion did not allow it. he could slap the state with a lawsuit if they tried it. hmm. guy two did not want to do anything constructive while in prison. he did not want to work. he did not want to socialize or learn. he just wanted to do his time and get out. fair enough.


thursday. 3:30 pm, #152 Addison to Cumberland
individual is spotted drinking a natty light in trasit. this is especially risky on a bus seeing as the driver has large mirrors to watch the passengers and is seated less than 20 yards away. he however was successful in his intoxication endeavors.

thursday. 3:37 pm, #152 Addison to Cumberland

(this is just funny). a group of young high schoolers boards the bus. they sit in the back across from me. they laugh and joke and are loud, but overall fairly benign. one girl (crystal) begins annoying another (tina) by placing her foot in tina's lap. tina pushes it off. crystal puts it back on. this is still all in good fun. they are jovial. crystal slams her foot in tina's lap one more time. tina goes to untie crystal's shoe. "NOOOOO!! GOD GIRL DON'T DO THAT!! I AM TOO FAT TO TIE THOSE SHOE LACES! I CAN'T BE BENDING DOWN TO TIE THEM. I HAVE TO TAKE THEM OFF AND TIE THEM AND THEN SLIP THEM ON. I CAN'T BEND DOWN LIKE THAT. MY BODY TOO BIG!!" laughter ensued. myself included this time.

sorry so long.

MASH MOB.

~ denise armstrong.

tonight, there was some sort of christmas parade death trap going on down town. i was fortunate enough to stumble upon it. this is my account. a survivor's story.

i should have known better. i should have known when i had to wait at addison for three trains to come before i could squeeze myself on one.

but i decided to go down town anyways. i should have turned around when i saw that there was a line to get out of the subway. but i didn't. instead i braved michigan avenue. and my god, it was a wonder i made it out alive.

scene: the corner of michigan avenue and pearson st.

and the 100 feet south of said intersection. where i was bottle necked into a drastically over crowded sidewalk. think crowded elevator, but more crowded. think subway at rush hour, but worse. think crazy mosh pit at a death metal concert, and you are getting closer. but instead of a little circle pit, there is no room. just an equatable amount of pushing. and shoving. and rocking. and bitching. think a flash mob. now picture getting mashed together into one ameobic like crowd. mash mob.

it felt like this. only people weren't taking pictures. they were trying to walk both directions at one time. and there were children present. these children had i would say about a 30% chance of being trampled in the mash mob. they had another  50% chance of being crushed. they had a 100% chance of being scarred from this event.

people were screaming. push! PUSH! and push they did. push until i was almost lifted off my feet. i was being crushed. the child in front of me was having her arm dislocated by her mother. behind us more people burst out of the border's revolving door.

i imagined bodies stuck and smashed in the door jamb. there were several times i literally thought the bodies would give way and we would all tumble on top of each other. then the "incident" occurred. a (hopefully) intoxicated man accused my dear roommate of "sticking her butt out on him." he accused her of pushing. he accused her of "getting out" of the non-existent line. he became belligerent. demanding she "get away from him." obviously, since we were already ass to ankles in there, this was not an option. after a few more seconds of his shit, i decided to try to intervene. "SIR. CAN YOU PLEASE JUST CALM DOWN." i yelled in a blind rage in his general direction. i attempted to put a hand in his face, but he was too tall. and amid the sea of people, he could not discern the origin of my voice anyways. i was too hidden amongst the tall-sized humans. but it did not matter. the masses surged forwards. finally broke free on the other side.
i seriously do not know how long it took us to wade through this wall of people, but i can tell you that i emerged on the other side weak, shaking, and 3 seconds away from a full blown panic attack. anyways, with new found freedom, we decided to watch the shitty parade. i saw 6 harris bank floats, a good dozen disney characters (wtf? people still like those?), 3 marching bands, a phallic snowman, and a terrifying rendition of phineas and ferb.

but by far the best thing was when rudolph almost broke free and attacked a crowd of people. instead it just got stuck on a tree and then a street lamp. that parade FAIL (almost) made the mash mob totally worth it. i love when shit goes bad.

downs and ups, ups and downs.

sometimes city living is rough

like when a man sits next to you on the bus. way too close. and you scoot over thinking "oh maybe i am taking up too much of the bench..." but then you realize that he WANTED to be that close to you. because he is now putting his arm around you and STARING at you.

or when you are followed to the train station by a boy who proceeds to ask:
"yo you girls know where the party's at?"
"....what? you are looking for a party?"
"yeah yeah where you girls gonna party tonight?"
"...we're NOT..."
"well whatchu girls gonna be doin'?"
"HOMEWORK."
"homework? you girls in school? you not goin' to a bar or nothin'? where you girls gonna be, i'll be there. i'll be down there."
"no."
"well maybe i could get your number? we could get down some time?"
"......"

and sometimes you think your hermit crab is DEAD because he is all rigamortised and hanging out of his shell and doesn't respond at ALL when you poke him, blow on him, and pick him up. nothing. so you throw him away :( i mean with a proper eulogy and everything. but then 6 hours later at 1 am you do some online research and discover that maybe he is just molting. so you dig him out of the trash and sure enough he has tucked back in his shell. so you put him back in the cage and hope he doesn't die. again. and hope he does this. but not at all while you are watching him because it looks TERRIFYING and inextricably reminds me of this david lynch film. BARF.
* i am really sorry if you actually looked at these and are now scarred for life. but maybe we can talk about it. have a support group.

but sometimes the city is okay.

like when you find a kitty shelter to go play with neglected kitties all the time.
like my favorite. baby girl. i might steal her.

or tortellini.

or shayla.