A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS.

NATURE HAS RECENTLY TAKEN A TURN ON ME.
...last night, house centipedes. I THOUGHT THOSE EM-EFFERS WERE LIKE QUARANTINED IN ANN ARBOR. i was mistaken. sadly, sadly mistaken. one scurried its 100000000 goddam legs at a speed of 3942903590283 miles an hour up my wall last night. my wall that my BED is pushed right against. and it was a baby one. that means they are breeding. i will be sleeping with one eye open.

and tonight, a large, LARGE rat scurried past, no nearly ON, my feet. THANK GOD I WAS NOT WEARING SANDALS. i thought it was a squirrel, or a bunny, or (dare i hope it!) a cat. until i realized that was not normal behavior for any of these creatures (at least not in the city of chicago). i turned around to see a MONSTER retreating in the other direction. i mean, i like rats (RIP frances) but these city rats????? THEY FEED ON CANINE FECES. (srsly, click the link, it is not a picture of dog poop). JESUS CHRIST. CHICAGO IS IN FOR A BOUT OF THE BUBONIC PLAGUE APPARENTLY.

words to live by...

THINGS I PEOPLE HAVE SAID TO (OR AROUND) ME IN THE WINDY CITY...


1) "GIRL. t'hoes yellow sunglasses are PIIIIIIMMmmm. you mind putting those on for me? yeahh. yeah dat's what i'm talking about. t'hose work for you wit dat nose ring and alll. mmm."
(a comment/request directed at yours truly at the chicago secretary of state)

2) bus driver: "BABY GIRLS! what stop you getting off this bus at?"
me: "uhmmm... chicago?"
bus driver: .....
me: ....
bus driver: "avenue?"
me: "yes."
(streets named after cities can be confusing)

3) little boy: "YOU CARE ABOUT HIS THINGS MORE THAN MINE."
mother: "no i do not."
little boy: "THEN WHY CAN'T WE GO TO MY THING??"
mother: "because i said so."
little boy: "YOU LOVE HIM MORE THAN ME!!!"
mother: "yes. i do. i love him much much more than you."
(overheard at the field museum. on FREE day. more like awful day)

4) "HEY I WANT A PIECE OF YOUR SNACK."
(a little boy on the bus reaching thru to the seat behind him to try and steal the "snack" the gentleman and stranger behind him was eating)

5) "you gonna be able to get into that big ol' truck with your lil' person?"
(an old old man said this to me as i was hoisting myself into erica's escalade)

6) sorority girl 1: "i don't eat meat."
sorority girl 2: "EVER?"
sorority girl 1: "well, no not ever. i mean i eat mcdonald's. just not like steak or anything."
(...uhhh...)

let's keep this short and sweet.

lollapalooza happened to be this weekend, and while there was an incredible line up... i was not fortunate (aka rich) enough to attend. thus, i made fun of all the ridiculous outfits people wore in attempts to look as hipster as possible. for example i stealthily took this photo on the L:



please note the gold TOM'S shoes, the pseudo-bohemian pants, excessive amounts of lace, and of course the "ray-ban-esque" sunglasses. and the simultaneous texting taking place on their blackberries.

additionally, today a woman in the elevator at target asked if she could, "feel that rug" regarding the cheap, wiry mat i purchased for waffle's poop box to sit on.

then, as jessica and i searched (in vain) for any semblance of parking with in a mile radius of our apartment (eff the cubs) i saw a man holding a sign boasting parking in a "GARAGAGE." i am really going to be entertained living here.

changes like whoa.

new city, new roommates, and new blog topics.

with my (uber)recent move to chicago and my bittersweet departure from good ol' erc, there are going to have to be some changes to my influence on the blogosphere. for example, i can no longer post snarky stories concerning my interactions with regulars. instead, based on the large number of ridiculously dressed hipsters i have already seen cavorting around my immediate surroundings, i think i will create my very own latfh.com, complete with images. additionally, living in wrigleyville will also afford me the great opportunity to comment upon the horrible drunken cubbies fans (and the bars they frequent, which reach unbearable decibels). also, lest we forget, several years ago, i was verbally (and nearly physically) assaulted by one of these "brahs" with the threat of, "I COULD PICK YOU UP. I COULD PICK YOU UP AND CARRY YOU AWAY. SERIOUSLY." i already despise these people and places with a passion that rivals my hatred for select regulars. tomorrow i shall work on gathering photographic evidence of the horrors that i will get to witness on a very regular basis. for now, i must attend to miss wafflehouse who i had to drug with some sort of sedative (?) in order to get her to chicago. 12 hours later... she still seems to be under the influence. i am growing concerned. i hope she does not go thru withdrawals as she comes down from this drug.
tomorrow i shall pretend i am still in ann arbor by checking out the local farmers' market and hopefully spot some crazy, patchouli-stinky hippies who will remind me of home.

a slew of excitement.

sometimes, i will go weeks witnessing nothing noteworthy or interesting at all in espresso. this brings me much disappointment. i cannot describe the extreme sense of giddiness i experience upon finding myself in an awkward situation that i know will eventually delight the ears of those who are graced with my retelling of said situation. while i was deprived of this for a spell, fear not! america's idiots came out of the woodworks this week to torture (and entertain) me.

take the weirdo guy this morning who hammered on the store front at 6:15 am (well before open, might i add). he repeatedly gave me the thumbs up while smiling and nodding. i just shook my head. "NO we are not open, you moron," i thought. however, it turns out he was not interested in coffee. just pointing at me, thumbs upping, and smiling. he then mimed the international symbol for "glasses" (as seen here by michael jackson). i can only infer he was commenting in some way on my glasses. wtf.

then take the creepy tan old guy that came in yesterday wearing a gold guido chain and ordered a small double breve cappuccino. on the dry side. (first of all, BARF). well, he came in again today and ordered the same disgusting concoction.
"hey, weren't you here yesterday?"
YEAH, it's my JOB to be here.
"oh, well didn't you have a ring in yesterday?" (points to his nose).
YEAH I STILL DO.
"no not there." (points to nostril). "here." (points to septum).
THAT'S NOT ME.
"oh."
now, it's not that i don't want to look like mealia by any means. i think she is quite the pretty lady. it's just that we do NOT look alike. and that i remember serving him his barfy cream drink.

then there was the crazy old lady who came in chatting up anyone and anything that would listen. this includes (but is not limited to) every barista, customer, and bag of coffee within a five foot radius. now, she was a very nice lady, just somewhat unintelligible and needy. i wanted to feel sorry for her, and think she was an old decrepit woman. but then she said she was 60 years old. that is not old. my dad is 60 years old and just ran a triathalon. where did all her mental faculties go? maybe they were damaged by the sassafras tea she kept talking about. she kept telling me it was illegal in michigan, so she had to have it imported from another state. i thought she was crazy, til i did some research. turns out not only does sassafras cause cancer and liver damage, it also contains key components found in mdma (aka : ECSTACY).

and my personal favorite. i have no commentary for this awful interaction. there is nothing to say other than "JESUSFUCKINGCHRIST PEOPLE ARE SOOOOO FUCKING DUMB." here's the set up. ptr and i are working counter with a small but consistent line. in marches stupid crazy lady at a fast clip. she looks very normal and professional (note: these are always the WORST crazy people. they lull you into a false sense of security with their mainstream appearance). she makes a beeline for the bathroom. upon finding the door locked, she heads straight to the men's bathroom. now it gets interesting. finding this door UNlocked, she throws it open and begins to barge in. (thankfully no men were caught in the cross hairs and embarrassed during this).
ptr (from the register): "MA'AM. that is the MEN'S bathroom.
stupid crazy lady: I KNOW. I AM GOING TO USE IT.
ptr: i can give you the key to the women's bathroom.
s.c.l.: WHY CAN'T I USE THIS ONE?
DIALOGUE BREAK:: at this point i line was forming and a crowd of spectators stared in amazement at the scene before them. seizing ptr's hesitation to respond as permission to use the bathroom, the woman enters, does her business, and emerges. she approaches the register, bypassing the line, and disregarding normal, paying customers. she was also speaking an INTOLERABLE decibel.
s.c.l.: JUST SO YOU KNOW, I AM NOT BUYING ANYTHING.
ptr: can i get a drink for the next person in line.
s.c.l.: AND THAT IS A PUBLIC BATHROOM. I CAN USE I.
ptr: no, it's not. there is a sign on the door that says FOR CUSTOMERS ONLY.
s.c.l.: NO THAT IS A PUBLIC BATHROOM.
ptr: okayyyyy......
s.c.l.:JUST SO YOU KNOW, I WAS THE FIRST EMPLOYEE TO EVER BE HIRED AT THIS STORE'S LOCATION.
ptr: okayyyy.....
s.c.l.: DOES CURTIS STILL OWN IT?
ptr: no....but MARCUS does... like he ALWAYS has.
s.c.l.: THAT'S WHO I MEANT.

exit stupid crazy lady at the same rapid pace.
baristas and customers stupefied.

as promised.

some DINOSAURZ.

it all started with this little gem. just a picture i colored.



then i started doing coffee shop customers...

here's a generic one to start with.



now here's a more specific regular...


note the stringy hair and the pointy long nails.

let's try another.
guess who this is:


note the hair, the bare toes (feet), plaid shirt...

and one more. MY PERSONAL FAVORITE.


hint: those lines at the top are symbolic of the stinkyness emanating from him. and he is always dressed in his favorite u of m colors!!

a little inspiration and a lot of anger.

after a long absence, i was inspired to once again hit the blogosphere after reading this piece of literary genius. and while i too hate/loathe/despise/turn into this at the prospect of making smoothies, i do enjoy making iced drinks. they require less time and effort and allow me more time to do things that are worth my while (i.e. twiddling my thumbs or picking my nose). however, here are some things i DO NOT LIKE concerning iced drink making.
1) if you are getting something iced, it NEEDS ice. do not ask me to make it WITHOUT ice.
2) do not ask for LESS ice. i know what i am doing. if i put less ice in your cup, the BURNING HOT ESPRESSO i am about to pour over it will melt right through the cup.
3) if i ask you if you want room for milk in your iced coffee, it is OKAY to say yes. i would much rather you reveal to me your weak coffee drinking capabilities than you DUMP half the coffee i just gave you into the trash. that shit is going to leak ALLL over me later.
4) i know it is hot in the cafe sometimes. i know it is cold in the cafe sometimes. BUT THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. i cannot turn up the air, down the air, or off the fans. just DEAL with it.
5) SMOOTHIES INCLUDE THE INGREDIENTS THAT ARE LISTED. NO MORE, NO LESS. THEY ARE POSTED FOR A REASON. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU ASK ME, THERE IS NO SUGAR, NO MILK, AND NO OTHER JUICES WE CAN ADD TO IT.
6) STOP THROWING AWAY YOUR SHIT ON THE GROUND OF THE OUTDOOR CAFE. IT IS NOT A GARBAGE CAN. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO CLEAN IT UP? (i mostly blame the diag kids for this, but it really could be anyone. although no normal people consume that much food from diag party nor smoke that many cigarettes in such a confined space. I HATE YOU ALL).

...to come... drawings of select regulars as dinosaurs.